100 days

1st September 2015, Tuesday 10.51pm

Today is the 100th day after my mother passed away. I don't cry as often and I don't think of her as often. Every week still, perhaps every 2-3 days, but not everyday. 

Different things come up in my thoughts now. For instance, I probably miss her so much because I am guilty for not seeing her two days before she passed away. It's not because I'm closer or more filial to her compared to my siblings. Also, my mother probably felt least close to me of all her children. She could confide in my sister things that she did not tell me. My brother was also good to her. I am the only one who scolded her often. I also did not engage in heart to heart talks with  her. 

My insensitivity as a person, I realise, probably impacted my relationship with my mother. This insensitivity, which I am sometimes foolishly proud of because I am not afraid to bring my awkward subjects, is not great all the time. 

Today is the 100th day my mother is gone. Is it for better or worse? As Buddha says, no one knows. You never know. I miss her. It's so true, how some things you start to regret only when a person is not around. A fact that you think you understand but actually you don't, until you experience it. I regret a lot of things, I regret my spiteful and inconsiderate actions, words, body language, thoughts that I inflicted on my mother when she was around. If only she can hear my apology. 

Today is also my brother's and my birthday. We went to his place tonight for celebration with the children. Without mother around it takes extra effort to keep the siblings in touch. I don't wish for much, I just wish for my mother to enter my dreams. Well, and to find a job that I can be happy with.